My second pregnancy was a very anxious time. A few months
before, I'd very sadly had a miscarriage. My much wanted baby who, from the
moment I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, had become a glorious part
of my future (as I daydreamed of first smiles, first days at school, holidays
by the sea etc) had gone. I was bereft. In the weeks that followed, I tried to
make sense of this loss and with it I began to worry that I had in some way
caused it. Of course, I know now that I didn't, that miscarriage is common (1-4
women experiencing it in their lifetime), but I began to over-analyse my
actions. Was it something I had eaten? Had I taken a bath that was too hot? Had
I been too stressed at work? The questions were endless.
A few months later I again became pregnant. As wonderful as
this was, with it came fears that I would again have a miscarriage and one that
I would somehow cause. Over the course of my pregnancy and indeed, into the
first few months of motherhood, these fears manifested themselves into
compulsions. A large part of my anxieties surrounded contamination, anxieties
that I would somehow pass something harmful along to my baby. I began to wash
my hands a lot. At the time I was working as a nurse and I while hygiene and
cleanliness are vital, I began to take it to the next level, scrubbing my hands
frequently in an attempt to make them sterile. Sometimes I would wash them
again straight after because my hand had brushed past a wall or object which I
feared had contaminated my hands again. My hands would be red raw, often
cracking and bleeding from the frequent washing. Eating also became an issue.
Firstly in terms of my fears of contamination and also because I worried that one of the
ingredients, particularly if it contained herbs, would cause harm to the baby. Daily
life had become difficult, simple tasks became exhausting. I knew that my
actions weren't the norm but I didn't have the first idea how to stop. I felt
like this was what I had to do to keep my baby alive and well.
Regretfully, I didn't seek help in my pregnancy, but I wish
I had done. My OCD symptoms continued after my little boy was born where my
obsessions centred again around fears of contamination (now it wasn't just my
hands that were scrubbed constantly but his bottles too) but also around fears
that he would accidentally come to harm. I remember constantly checking every
little noise he made in case he was unwell. I also worried that something would
fall from a shelf or wardrobe onto him and I would spend a lot of time checking
everything was secure. Eventually, things became easier, largely due to
previous Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) I had previously had for anxiety.
CBT helps you to change established thought patterns and to recognise negative
or unhelpful thoughts. I had been taught a word during this; 'catasprophising'-
assuming the worst case scenario will occur. I realised that a lot of my
thoughts were just this, anxiety of the worst happening. Each time I had an
urge to wash my hands, or to check on the baby for the 50th time that evening,
I reminded myself of this word and eventually I started to let things go.
OCD During Pregnancy affects 1 in 100 women and PostPartum
OCD, which occurs after pregnancy is slightly more common. If you're
experiencing any signs of OCD then it's important to speak to your doctor.
There's no shame, it's a common condition that can happen to anyone. Rather
than conducting a specific OCD test, your doctor will ask about your symptoms
and can then advise on the options for OCD treatment. This includes talking
therapies such as CBT or your doctor may give advice on the best medication for
OCD.
I'm happy to report that I don't feel affected by OCD in the
same way that I once was. I sometimes feel things bubbling away under the
surface, a worry or fear that I've done something wrong or the need to check
and recheck something, but most of the time I can bat these thoughts away,
recognising them for what they are, without the need to carry out any
compulsive behaviours. But I'll never forget just how difficult it was and so
if this is you, I urge you to seek some help and guidance so that you can
receive the support to effectively combat your symptoms. You can and you will
beat it.
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