The Ten Truths of Parenting

1) You will at some point find yourself trying to work out which Cbeebies presenter you fancy the most. Even if you don’t particularly fancy one, you will make yourself pick one.

2) You’d rather stick a pen in your eye than have to peel off and pass your child stickers for the best part of an hour.

3) Bing can do one.

4) And Flop. Why is he so calm in the face of his giant toddler who could pick him up and flush him down the toilet at any moment? Or put him in the tumble dryer which would make him shrink as he is made out of wool.

5) At some point, while being car-bound due to a sleeping baby or because the thought of putting up the pram and unloading the kids again fills you with dread, you will have invented (in your head) the drive-through convenience store and been pretty chuffed with yourself.

6) Whenever your children eat Cheerios for breakfast you will, without doubt, later find yourself peeling one off your sock.

7) You’ll find yourself frequently wondering why they don’t just bloody attach the phone to the Vtech Walker.

8) You will instantly regret pointing out an interesting thing to your child whilst travelling in a car as they will invariably miss it and then you will spend the rest of the journey explaining that they’ve now missed it, that the cute bunny rabbit is now 8 miles away and will have surely hopped away by now and that no, you can’t turn back so that they can see it.

9) Whenever you read The Tiger that Came to Tea you’ll decide that should a tiger ever come to tea at your house and subsequently rob you of all your provisions, like hell will you buy it a vat of tiger food in preparation for it’s next visit. Shotgun anyone? 

10) You can buy baby socks until they come out of your ears, but the vast majority of them will live out their days as odd socks. True dat.