How to prolong bedtime: The Ultimate Guide

Let’s get one thing straight. There’s a reason why Mum and Dad are so keen to get you to bed; they are clearly going to be having all manner of fun without you and this is also when the good snacks come out (the ones Mum hides in the kitchen and eats during the day, then tells you it’s a grape when you spot her chewing) so if you want my opinion, you’d be daft to miss out. So here are a few pointers to make sure you stay awake as long as humanly possible to prevent missing out.

1) Firstly, if you were planning to have a poo during the day then DON’T. Save it for bedtime.

2) Drink more between the hours of 5pm and 6pm than you’ve drank all day. This ensures you can get out of bed for a wee a further 17 times.

3) You know those burning questions you have? You know the ones… Do seahorses have willies? Can the sun get sunburnt? NOW, and I can't stress this strongly enough, is the time to ask them.

4) Remember that toy from a magazine you had when you were 2? Well this is the time to find it.

5) Climb inside your duvet cover and get stuck. Mum and Dad love that.

6) That papercut you had last month? Well, it’s starting to hurt a bit. Make sure everyone in the house knows about it.

7) And finally, if you really can’t ward off sleep any longer, make sure you’ve put all the soft toys you own on your bed as well as some plastic fruit, 3 books, a spatula and a stick so that they have to clear it all once you’re asleep. If you can’t have fun then at least have the foresight to delay theirs a bit.

Sweet dreams.